Captain America: Civil War – Pre Review
Here we go again, I’m so fucking sick of comic book movies. Everyone is ejaculating in their pants over civil war. Everyone who’s seen it so far is saying its ammmmmaaaaazzzzziiiinggg.
Fuck all of you! I am not falling for this shit again. Isn’t this the same thing we’ve seen time and time again with superhero movies? Every year I hear someone say THIS IS IT: the comic book movie to end all comic book movies! “It’s the best superhero movie I’ve ever seen!” I heard it with Ant Man, The Avengers, even Captain American: Winter Soldier and it’s starting all over again.
Now everyone is saying sure, sure, those movies were ok, but THIS ONE, Captain America: Civil War, THIS IS THE ONE! Let me tell you what I think is going on here. The reason you find this movie so ammmmmaaaaazinnnnggg is because you’ve come expect mediocrity. You are so used to your superhero movies being god awful that when one comes out that’s acceptable, Iike it doesn’t make you want to burn someone alive screaming “I’ll show you what a human torch is suppose to look like!”, it doesn’t make you want to cave your own skull in with Thor’s hammer, it doesn’t make you want to do a superman jump off a ten story building, when a movie comes around that DOESN’T make you vomit, you fork over your money like it was the cure for AIDS.
Why? It’s still the same shit you’ve seen time and time again, computer rendered images engaging in fake battles. Why do I want to watch images generated in some 3D program engage in conflict that gets resolved in 2 hours? I miss Kung Fu movies where people actually take the time to choreograph a scene like some Bruce Lee shit. I miss practical effects that take planning and skill, not just a CPU with a fast processor. I miss genres of movies that are broader and have more possibilities than “people who dress up and have powers.” You all need to ask yourself how many times are you going to watch the same kind of movie?
You wanna watch an Iron Man movie? Watch TETSUO THE IRON MAN about a guy who fuses with metal and it rots his brain and turns him into a crazy psychopath.
You wanna watch a movie about a human insect, watch The Fly break a dude’s arm.
You wanna watch a movie about a patriot in a weird costume, watch Beasts of No Nation where a very patriotic man convinces a child solider to chop a dude’s head like a melon.
But you won’t watch these movie because you want to watch something safe like RDJ being snarky but lovable. They’ve got you. Superhero movies are one of the last great rackets on par with the Ponzi scheme. They make mediocre movies so often that all they need to do is try a little bit, make something slightly above average and BAM! Twitter explodes with nerds saying it’s the Citizen Kaneof the “idiots in tights” genre. But unlike the Ponzi scheme this bubble will never burst because there will always be gullible virgins who want to see onscreen renders of the “books” they read between jerking off. Fuck comic books. Fuck Captain American and fuck you! Call me a hipster. Call me a hater. Deep down you know I’m right. Tweet me like I give a shit what you think! @nickvaky
I’m going to see this movie because I have to and I pledge that if I’m wrong and it’s actually good I will wear a captain America shirt for a week and I’ll tweet Chris Evans a pic of it everyday that I do.