9 Things That Piss Us Off About Movies
In episode 40 of the podcast we hated on Sci-Fi movies and like always, we’re not done! We have so much more hate to dish out, but we are spreading it out. Busting shots over all the wack-ass shit that goes down in movies on a regular basis regardless of genre. Enjoy bitches!
More Enemies = Easier Fight
I’m super tired of this shit. Ok so the first fight with this monster/alien/ninja/whatever takes ten minutes to kill and leaves our hero in a bloody mess with broken ribs and a limp. Then the invasion happens and suddenly there are hundreds of these assholes coming to shove their eight-toed boot right up our hero’s ass and he’s still hurt from that last fight. Now you and I are watching this thinking, ‘Things will get interesting after the star of the movie dies…” But no! All of a sudden your boy figures out a way to kill the aliens with one punch and wipes out an entire army by himself. Yeah I’m not with that. Why? Because it’s stupid!
Guess Who’s Gonna Die First
Seriously? This is still happening. Is it just a running joke now? Is that in the script or do you re-write it if you happen to cast a black guy? Listen you went so far as to make a shark jump out of the water into and underwater facility just to eat Samuel. Let’s think about this for a second. Black people would be most likely to survive because we wouldn’t do the stupid shit that would get you killed in a movie. We wouldn’t think that we have a connection with the alien, or we wouldn’t go check what that noise was in the dark crevasses of the old creep as house.
Moments Of Thought
This one goes out to mainly apocalyptic movies usually featuring zombies or some other kind of undead creatures. Ok son, I know that your wife just her ass bitten off and her toes licked by a zombie…that shit sucks! I get it. But the last 50 people you saw get munched on by one of those fuckers turned into a zombie seconds later. So what do you do? Stand there like a moron feeling sorry for yourself while your wife changes into something that wants to deep-throat your face. Then you narrowly escape by the skin of your nutsack making the whole situation much more dramatic than it needs to be. Run mutherfucker run! She’s dead! She’s fucking dead!
No you didn’t! Please white girls, learn how to run. Stop fucking falling down in the most life threatening moment any human has been in since the world began.. I mean you’re running in the woods at night and you decide to turn back and see where the monster that’s chasing you is? Why don’t you just close your eyes and run with your arms flailing like an idiot. Tell me it doesn’t piss you off when she falls. You know I’m right on this one. C’mon son!
Why the fuck can’t anyone make a good alien? Why are they always naked? Why does being on earth sap their intelligence? You can figure out how to travel thousands of light years conquering all the laws of the universe but you can’t defeat humans? Right now a mosquito is kicking our ass. Some people who live on this planet are named Jeb. We can get cut by paper and you can’t figure out how to take us down? Maybe all aliens are like those kids in school that got perfect A’s but have no common sense. That would explain why they always get their asses beat by the real men and women of ‘Merica!
Impossible White Man (And On Some Occasions, Black Man)
This one goes out to Bruce Willis, Tom Cruise, Jason Statham, Matt Damon, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Will Smith, Vin Diesel, etc. Why are you able to do superhero shit with no powers? No, I don’t believe you can beat the shit out of 20 guys on an oily floor with bicycle pedals stuck to the bottom of your feet for balance (Jason). No, I don’t think that you would survive for more than a second on the outside of a 747 as it’s taking off (Tom). Within reason guys, that’s all I’m saying.
You fucks! Stop remaking classic movies and turning them into the video version of a fart. It smells familiar sure, but no one wants to smell that shit. Transformers was a big part of my childhood and you cocks have gone and ruined that for me. Michael Bay…eat a bag of dicks! Ghostbusters…yeah. There’s even a remake of Footloose for Christ sake. Take a page out of Stranger Things and draw from the past to make something new. Let’s be a little more creative people. I really think we can do better.
Why can’t I see what’s happening? I paid money to see what’s happening. I would get the audio book if I didn’t want to see shit. All I see when you pieces of shit use the shaky cam is a bottle of Advil from the headache your shitty movie gave me. When there are 8 different camera angles in a 2 second span of time, I have no idea what’s going on. I hate this shit so much. It’s so lazy. “Let’s choreograph a wicked scene.” “Why you wanna work so hard man? We can just shake the shit out of the camera instead.” Can’t handle this, for real!
Tell Me Why
Look man I’ll buy anything if you give me a good explanation for why it’s going down like that. I know you’re asking me suspend disbelief, but seriously? Interstellar – A super advanced human civilization is trying to pass down the key to their survival and they do it through a little kid’s bookshelf? Oops spoiler alert! That shit is so dumb. How many of you leave a movie asking these questions: Why would…, how could….Just take the time to tell me why Tom cruise is so awesome that he can hang onto that plane, then I’ll believe it. Easy!