6 Real Zombie Types And The Reasons We Hate Them

6 Real Zombie Types And The Reasons We Hate Them

In episode 18 of the podcast we hated on cellphone zombies (we also covered zombies in episode 45 during movie time – Train to Busan) and like always we’re not done! But we are taking out all kinds of Zombies, so enjoy!

Cellphone Zombies

I once saw some moron walk into a parked car cause he was fingering his cellphone. Hordes of these poke-fucks ruin my nightly walk through the park with my dog as they wonder around looking like zombies for real. A couple months back I sat down to enjoy a meal and was blown away by what I saw. This couple sat down at the table next to mine, took their phones out then held each other’s left hand while they jerked off their phones with their right. They never said a word. I was staring at them the same way people stared at me when I went to China…in total amazement and disbelief that this could be real. To all the people who act like this just put the fucking phone down for a sec and talk to the person you’re with or at the very least look left and right when crossing the street…or better yet don’t!

Slow Walking Hand-In-Hand Zombies

I’m talking about those fucks that make a link of two or three people on a sidewalk of the busiest street in the middle of downtown, WALK-BLOCKING the rest of us so that we can’t get by. Oh did I mention that they walk in a step pause step rhythm like bridesmaids at a wedding? I know what you’re thinking, why not just say excuse me? Well you dick does a waiter have to tell you that you have to pay? Does your phone have to ask you to hang up when you’re done talking? No, because it’s common sense. You live in a city with over twelve million people, be a little more observant please or you might catch a bow to the side of your face as I walk by.

Food Zombies

These guys come in two types. Type 1: the slow moving Shaun Of The Dead. Type 2: World War Z Olympic athlete.  Type 1 is your boy who sits there chewing on a piece of bread with his mouth open long enough that the food turns into paste as he’s making one of the worst sounds known to man while simply staring into the wall obliviously. Fuck that guy! Type 2 is the asshole who’s training for the world’s fastest eating competition with a bowl of noodles and some kind of soup that’s way too hot for anyone to drink at the moment he’s drinking it. Slurp slurp slurp…ahhh! Yeah fuck that guy, too.

Umbrella Zombies

Wicked man it’s 25°C, bright blue skies and a cool breeze. Perfect, let me just grab my umbrella. Yeah this really happens to those people reading this who don’t live in Asia. So now I’m on American Gladiators running the gauntlet dodging goddam umbrellas. Luckily I’ve been working on my karate chop/selfie combo so I can take a pic of the shocked faces of these idiots as I chop the shit out of their umbrellas. Hai ya!

Dancing Zombies

These are the zombies that get activated not by a bite but by the right kind of music. They are fast moving, sweaty and have developed bumper-car type protection all over their upper bodies, which allows them to ram into as many people as possible spilling your drink the moment you buy it. They are usually intoxicated and exhibit very little rhythm. We’ve all encountered these Z’s, but a distinction must be made: If this behavior occurs during Scenario, Brooklyn Zoo or Anti Up a pass will be given. Those are just the rules my friends!

Tinder Zombies

Awwwww Yeeeeaaaahhhh sons! I’m single again! You know what that means right? You guessed it…I get to dig out, bone, and pump as much as I want to. I just smashed this tinder chick last night. Goddamn that shit was nice. You want to see what she looks like? Nah playa I ain’t got a pic.  These zombies are unique in that they have the ability to speak but only after they have used up their one hundred swipes. Swiping on the toilet, swiping at McDonalds, even swiping at the doctor’s office, which is probably the reason you’re there in the first place. And although they must be able to see their targets in order to engage, they never retain any images of their faces. Tinder Zombies listen up…just cause you can doesn’t mean you should. Sometimes the better option is that bottle of lotion at the edge of your nightstand.

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