5 Reasons We Should All Say Fuck Funerals

5 Reasons We Should All Say Fuck Funerals

On this week’s episode of the podcast we hated on funerals. But we’re not done! However, death is hard so we could only come up with 5 things to hate on before things started getting dark and weird. Enjoy!

Coffins

Everyone is familiar with these right? Well I did some research and found out that a coffin is another name for basket. Yep basket! You just go ahead and throw pops in the basket. Maybe there should be a coffin section at Crate and Barrel or Ikea. You can pick up new bed sheets and a coffin for cousin Ralph. Super convenient!

Cost

Do you know how much it costs to bury someone? Me neither, I had to look it up. The average cost is US$6600.  I know what you’re thinking right now, ‘It’s not that bad.’ Well here are some things you could buy instead of a funeral: a shitty to average car, six of the highest classed hookers you on the planet, the Dave Chappelle Show DVDs like a million of them, a shit ton of apple juice or coconut water…the point is that you can buy a lot of stuff if you don’t waste US$6000 on a funeral.

Sadness

I’m telling you right now; do not get sad at my funeral mutherfuckers! Do not talk about the time I helped that old lady cross the street and how nice I was, talk about the time I shit myself on the way home from a club, or that time a stripper was sitting on my back as I laid on my stomach on the grimy floor of a dirty ass strip club, or that time playing basketball when I got backed down in the post by a girl half my size…say some funny shit! Or do some funny shit. Have strippers at my funeral like they do in Taiwan or make Weekend at Bernie’s II…my bad, that’s already been done.  Let’s hate on a life rather than mourn a death.

Black

Raise your hand if you are surprised that black is the color of funerals.  Come on man, we can do better than that. How about this, we have a range of accepted colors based on the type of life you’ve lived. Blue – if you’ve lived a good relatively honest, kind and helpful life. I.e. Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Ghandi, etc. Red – evil mutherfuckers. I.e.  George Bush, racists, rapists and many more. Purple – basically purgatory, you’ve done a lot of douchey shit in your life but also some good stuff. I.e. me and all my friends. We should definitely test it out. If no one has tried this by the time I die I give you permission to do it at my funeral.

Cremation

You know what the best thing (maybe the only good thing) about being dead is? You stop everything. No more working-out, no more homework, no more anything which includes caring. No one cares if you bury them or burn their bodies because they’re dead! Just think about it…Would you want your family to spend a shitload of money on your death or on their lives? We should do as Choc Oc instructed – Mix our ashes with a mountain of coke and have everyone snort us!

Let us know what you hate about funerals.

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