10 Things DJs Do To Piss Me Off And Ruin A Good Night

10 Things DJs Do To Piss Me Off And Ruin A Good Night

So the Hate Of The Week on this week’s podcast was shitty music and once again…we’re not done.  We didn’t hate on the people that get paid to play the shitty music that we hated on.

Dirty Soap was in town recently and killed it playing music I’ve never heard before. That display of pure hotness is my inspiration for all the hate I’m about to drop on you other so-called DJs out there.  So here it is…enjoy!

1. Crescendo

This one goes out to all you EDM DJs, especially you Hardwell.  A song isn’t supposed to crescendo 18 times you fucks! And if every song crescendos then it loses its intended effect. You dickheads are like me when I discovered that I could do “special” things with my dick. But after the fourth time in a row it started to hurt. It’s the same thing with my ears assholes. Try something new.

2. House Remixes Of Hip-Hop

Look man if you want to play hip-hop then play hip-hop. If you love hip-hop but the only way you can play it is to drop it over some generic bullshit house beat that has no soul to match all the other songs that you’ve been playing all night with the exact same BPM, then don’t do it.

3. Dance Hall

This one is more of what DJs aren’t doing and that’s playing Dance Hall Reggae. Never has there been a more perfect music to dance to with someone or by yourself.  I can’t tell you the number of times that I got to grind on some fine young gal because of this music and you fuckers never play it. They have names for all the dances like: signal di plane, row di boat, pon di river pon di bank…  Why are you depriving me of this? If you don’t play Dance Hall you should have to change your name to DJ Cockblock.

4. Rewind

This for those of you who don’t know is when the DJ starts playing a track that’s usually a club banger at the time and then spins the record back to the beginning of the song and plays it again sucking all the excitement that you may have had by the fifth time he or she does this. Rewind!!!!! This for those of you who don’t know…Rewind!!! (air horn sound) This for those of you….REWIND!!!!!! (gun shot sound) Get the point?

5. Scratching

Th th th th th th this  is is is is is is is is isn’t a a a a a a a DD D D D M M M M C C C CC comp comp comp comp comp comp competition! Stop fucking scratching the damn re re re re re re re re record!!! Christ!

6. Replaying Songs

I have 9755 songs in my iTunes and my computer tells me that it will take 27.8 days to play all of them, so why have I heard the same song three times in two hours? Honestly guys you’re better than that.

7. Playing The Same Songs The Last DJ Played

This occurs when a DJ shows up to a gig five minutes before his set starts and he proceeds to play pretty much the same music as the guy before him. If you don’t care about what you’re doing then do something else. If a song is really popular and your set starts at 2 am, chances are that the previous DJ played it. How about you just ask the last DJ if he dropped it already, it takes two seconds.

8. Mixing

Listen man if you don’t have good mixing skills, I’m not hating, just go practice cause nothing makes my penis softer than dancing to a hot track and the next track comes in like fingernails on a chalk board. Go back to the lab and get it right before asking me to pay money to see you fuck up the turntables.

9. Dancing

Yeah dancing! This one goes out to EDM DJs again, you armpits of the music industry, I don’t want to see you press a button on your deck then go in front of the DJ booth and start dancing your ass off. That’s like a waiter bringing your food and sitting at the table with you to eat. Get the fuck outta here!

10. Lack Of Individuality

No! I don’t want you to have a gimmick. I just want to be able to go to different clubs and hear different music because you know different people are playing the music. The only thing different about clubs now is that they look different and the price of the drinks varies.  Come on man, you became a DJ because you love music…show me! Let me know why I should spend my money to hear you play music and not the other guy down the street. I’m begging you!

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