10 Things We Hate About Weddings
In episode 36 of the podcast, hate of the week was weddings and there was a lot of hate…but we’re not done. We have more to say. So here you are people, fill up on some delicious hate and let us know if we missed anything.
Now I’m not talking about the best man speech that is full of stabs and reveals embarrassing details of the groom like the time he shit himself at a party. I’m talking about the weddings that have fifty fucking speeches from the bride’s third cousin and the groom’s high school counselor. I would rather have sand poured into my right eyeball than listen to that bullshit.
Ladies, please hear this. You look better when you dress up to go to a club than when you wear a wedding dress. All guys think this, even your husband. A veil? Really? Why are you wearing something that doesn’t let you walk without stepping on it? What is this Wimbledon? Why do you need to wear white? Switch it up nah mean.
Anyone else see the irony in someone who can’t get married or even be with a woman droning on and on about what it takes to have a successful marriage? Nah I’m not here for that.
I hear people say you gotta be selfish and have the wedding you want because it’s all about YOU. Well if it’s all about you then don’t invite ME! Now I have to spend a shitload of money to travel to some remote island in the south of France, nah son, I’ll catch you on the flip.
The Asians got this one right. Straight cash homie! It makes sense for everyone. I don’t want to go shopping for you and you don’t want to get ten pairs of steak knives so let’s all be smart and give money.
They say you should spend three months salary on an engagement ring. They say it’s a beautiful and timeless gesture to show your undying love to your bride. Well did you ever ask yourself who “they” are? In 1938 DeBeres diamond company began running a series of ad campaigns that successfully convinced women everywhere that if you don’t buy her a diamond ring you are a broke, deadbeat, piece of shit, and as a result diamonds have become an indispensable resource. That’s some diabolical, capitalistic, new world order shit. WAKE UP STEEPLE!
Ladies if you want something that begins at the top of your head and flows downward in varying lengths, you already have it. It’s called hair! Complete your perfect wedding look with something that covers your face so no one can see the panic that’s written all over it due to this dumb life decision. Take that bullshit off your face.
I just hate the fact you were smart enough and heartless enough to convince some young couple to devour their entire life savings on something that lasts a few hours. I also hate the fact that you get them to spend even more money by convincing them that they need to have a camel or a priest who is a descendent of the first priest to ever marry someone. I’m mad because I wish I would have thought of it first.
If you give every single person who is present at a wedding the opportunity to ruin two people’s lives, then that means you are a cunt. And if you decide to exercise that option and object to this wedding, then you are an even bigger cunt. Were you meaning to have this life altering conversation but you just lost track of time? We can do without this shit.
There’s this new trend that’s gaining steam…wedding photos before the wedding. You wear a bunch of different outfits and take disgusting pictures of you staring into each other’s eyes, or she’s riding horseback, or you are jumping with your arms opened wide or whatever. This is so fucking embarrassing. Just take pictures during the goddamned wedding. Those pre-shot pics are only useful three years from now as more evidence as to why your marriage didn’t work.